When I was a young adult, I didn't understand, how or why he expected so much out of me. Nothing was ever good enough. He would always tell me, how he would be concerned of where his next meal was coming from, where he would sleep that night, and he still got top marks... why couldn't I? I always thought it was an unfair comparison. I remember when I graduated from engineering my Father stood up and cheered. Through all the thousands of people standing in the crowd, I could see my Father standing and screaming. It was on the greatest moments in my life.
I'm thirty now, my Father has Alzheimers. His mental illness has him on a medication that allows him to lower his inhibitions. He never talks about us achieving more, just how much he loves us. I finally see that all the punishment was love, all the expectations was love, all "do better" was love. I am very grateful to have had him as a figure in my life. I can see that by standing on my own two feet and becoming an engineer, I am fulfilling his dream for his children.
My youngest brother is twelve years younger than me. My Father's mental degeneration had started after his birth. My brother has had no father figure in his life. No direction, no punishment, no "do better", but lots of love... from him and all of us. I can see that the tough love that my Father gave me growing up kept me in line. The lack of it has allowed my brother to stray. We constantly have told him how much we loved him, but it has come to my attention, by not punishing him, or pushing him to do better, he feels we don't care. I want him to realize the dreams of our Father. He will, but it'll take him a little longer than it took us. He never knew the man that we knew...
1 comment:
I am so moved by your narration that it is hard for me to express my appreciations for your feelings. It is said ADVERSITY BREEDS GENIUS PROSPERITY CONCEALS IT.There is a saying in our country that the upward march in terms of achievements in a family stops after third generation and then it declines.Any reasonable parent does not want the offsprings to undergo the same hardships that he/she had to face.The hard words, as you have rightly recognized, are love. In some cases people go all out to give their children all those comforts which they dreamt but never got as a child but they also cosciously avoid the harsh words lest their child starts hating them for such utterances.This causes a lack of motivation and drive in the child to come upto its full potential. I can see some glimpses in Punam's children and her attitude. We have talked about it several times and I feel happy that she is quite aware of it. On my part I find her lacking in some respects but I ascribe it to my out dated methods of upbringing the children.However, as long as one is conscious of the realities as everyone in your family is, for your youngest brother,it should work out fine.It is perhaps best to practice a controlled sense of adversity on oneself as well as those who are very dear. This gives immense sense of happiness even in small achievements. I asked my parents to look after our 4 children to facilitate my wife to visit England. There were two reasons: Firstly my scholarship grant was insufficient and Secondly I wanted my wife to see first hand how difficult the life was in England and how much people appreciated hard work of any kind.I feel very satisfied that my wife made good use of her experience in motivating our children to work hard. My role in their upbringing was minimal. My parents also contributed by their love and stories of hardship that they underwent in their lives.I have a feeling that my children except perhaps Vineeta grudge the fact that we left them alone only for our pleasure.Life's course is very complicated, when you want something desparately it does not come but then unexpected happiness falls in your lap. Generally we do not have enough patience to wait till such times. There is a story in Ramayan:When Hanuman met Sita who was imprisoned by Ravan in Lanka, he was very disturbed by the pathetic condition of Sita. To Hanuman's question as to how was she able to withatand such hardship, Sita's reply was that this was possible to think of a moment's happiness that she would experience on meeting Ram. Those are enlightened souls who derive happiness in their attempts at removing other's misery.
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